Special Cat Tricks for Humans

How to Give a Cat a Pill

cat carrier

Successfully giving a your feline friend a pill requires determination and a little advance preparation.
Fill an eye dropper with water.
First find the cat. Since our furry friends read our minds, they usually evaporate before we convert the 'give the pet a pill' thought to action.
Place the your favorite feline on a chair or bed. Open the cat's mouth and pop the pill in, getting it on the back of the throat. Ignore the growl coming from the cat.
Empty the eyedropper filled with water into the cat's mouth. Ignore the louder growl rumbling from the tummy up through the mouth.
Hold the cat's mouth closed and massage the throat until you feel a swallow. Ignore the thrashing around the growl.
Pick up the pill from the bed or chair, mash it together and try again, beginning with finding the cat.
When the pill is ptuied a second time, take the pill yourself. If the pill is an antibiotic, you probably need it at this point to counteract all the cat scratches you have gotten giving your favorite feline a pill.

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Teaching a Cat to Walk on a Harness and Leash

Spend a few moments getting to know the harness. It will have several openings, only one of which is for the cat's head (unless you have been blessed with a two-headed cat).
First, find the cat. Be sure to let your cat know what you are doing. Send thought pictures of the two of you walking around your yard together. While the cat is distracted by laughing at the thought pictures you have sent, pick up the harness.
Place one hand on the cat's back, and attempt to guide his or her head into the harness with your other hand. Continue to follow the fast moving cat head until you catch it and load it into the harness.
Beware of the cat's powerful reverse gear-it activates automatically sometimes when a harness nears the cat's head. Ignore all hissing and spitting, growls and yowls.
Once the cat's head is through the harness, the hardest part is done. Now you only have to guide the cat's left paw through the harness and buckle the harness on the right side of a wiggling cat. Piece of cake.
If this process takes more than two hours, take the harness back to the pet store and get a refund.

How to Teach a Cat to Play Fetch
First, find the cat. Then get you, your cat, and your cat's favorite wand toy into the same room. Tell the cat that you want it to learn to play Fetch. Ignore comments from the cat such as "Why you lazy human! Fetch the blasted stick yourself!"
Engage your cat in active play with the wand toy. Then throw the toy across the room. Your cat will look at you and then at the toy.
Encourage your cat to go get the toy and bring it to you. Tell the cat that play time is over unless it gets the toy.
Direct the cat's attention to the toy by pointing to it and saying things like, "Go get the toy. Fetch the toy." Ignore the cat's unsettling stare which, roughly translated, means "You buffoon, what is your problem?"
Continue to encourage your cat to fetch the toy. Promise your cat treats for getting the toy and bringing it to you. Promise to scratch or rub a favorite spot on the cat if the cat complies. Then go get the toy yourself.

How to Have a Typical Conversation with a Cat

First, find the cat. Cats may or may not want to talk with you. Unfortunately, a typical conversation between a human and a cat goes much like this.

Human: How's my fuzzy wuzzy widdle catikins?

Cat: Got something hot in your mouth, do you?

Human: Has my sweetie pie been a gooood boy todaaaaay?

Cat: You really need to spit whatever that is out so you can talk better.

Human: Are you ready for din-dins?

Cat: What do you have to offer?

Human: How about a widdle bit of chicken tonight?

Cat: A 'widdle' bit? That amount sounds like it wouldn't satisfy a flea if I had one. How about I get up on the counter and help you measure?

Human: Bad Kitty! Get Down!

Cat: Well, if you insist, but I'm up here all day while you're away. I don't see what the difference is.

Human: That's my widdle sweetums!

Cat: Hot stuff, in the mouth again!

Special Cat Tricks for Humans

S. Suzanne Fisher, who is owned by 4 cats who have taught her these important lessons.

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